today

This morning Josiah and I did some more painting. I am done with orange now. Josiah now has three completed master pieces.

I'm exhausted. I think I'm done watching other people's kids for a couple of days. I'm enjoying the quiet of just one child.

I think I will take a nap today. I was about to yesterday when the phone rang. I hope Josiah will too.

Josiah wants to go to grandma's house today. He will have to wait till Friday.

painting amoung other things

I have been working on several painting projects. I'm three canvases away from finishing the baby's room which will have a total of 15 canvases on the wall. I need to finish up the three paintings I did for Josiah's room. I'm painting the outside of some little metal pots. I'm also working on finishing an undisclosed project.

This morning as an added treat, I got a painting partner. Josiah completed two masterpieces of his own. He asked if he could help with the one I was working on and I told him no. So he then made the decloration, "I know. Maybe I could paint my own picture." I think I'm going to frame one of them and hang it up somewhere. Maybe in his room but maybe somewhere else.

One of the ways that I'm marking the completion of these projects is the removal of paint from my house. I am now officially done with 2 out of the 8 main colors. So the purple and green paint have been banished to the garage until further notice. Orange will be following shortly.

I also have several other projects in the works that need completion before the baby arrives. I have some mosaics to finish up. I have 3 incomplete quilts to work on. Some other sewing to finish. I haven't scraped any photos since Josiah was about a year old. So I've got to catch up on his albums. Of course I also need to sit down and work on Grace Academy some more. And I'd like to be able to post more than one photo on that photo site which I can't remember the name of right now. So lots to do and just 16-18 weeks left to do it in.

last night made me sad...

Last night as we headed in for the weekly gathering I saw people running around in cowboy hats. I told Stephanie she had a nice hat on. She told me that she had to wear it because the decor inside was "over the top."

My first reaction to the decor was a bit of jealousy. If only I had had a handful of people every year to help put the decor together... Later, it made me sad. Sad to realize that this year I was not putting together a VBS.

For those to you who don't know, I've directed VBS for 6 years. It's a crazy thing. I have a love/hate relationship with it. It's a ton of work (especially at a church with few able boddied people). I always played many roles. As the director/sing & play leader/finally leader/craft leader/photographer I just was always stretched too thin. I also did about 75% of the church decorating before hand. So in one way it is a relief to have a summer off. On the other, I know I need to do it again. No, I don't need to have 5 jobs again, but I need to tell the kids about Jesus.

So last night I sat in a pew and wondered. Wondered if I was neglecting what I was supposed to be doing. Wondered why I wasn't using the gifts and talents that God has graciously given to me. Wondered why I wouldn't be get up in front of 3 dozen children and making a fool of myself while telling them how much God loves us all. And those were just the things I was thinking before Dave opened his mouth...

Happy Father's Day

Dinner is in the oven now. In case you wondered, a Fred Meyer rotisery chicken contians just over one pound of meat. I hate boning chicken. The things I do for the man my son calls Daddy... Happy Father's Day to all the Daddy's out there.

7hj ~Josiah

question

What do you do with/for a three year old who is awake in the middle of the night and screaming and crying at the top of his lungs? Yes, we were up most of the night with Josiah. I'm exhausted. His complaints were, "I CAN'T SLEEP!" and "I WANT TO SLEEP IN A DIFFERENT BED!" I think I finally got a few hours of sleep after 4.

James recalled

I just heard on the news that various Thomas trains have been recalled. Great, my son's favorite toys my contain lead paint. James is Josiah's favorite engine, he is one of the items. Hopefully, they will be replacing all these trains for free. Thomas engines are not exactly cheap.

baby blankie

A few weeks ago I pulled out six little fleece baby blankets. I cut them up. I just finished sewing them all back together into one blanket. It's kind of cute. Now it is in the wash. I wonder if it will stay together. We shall see...

My friend and such

Yesterday I saw a friend. I've needed to see her. I've missed her. It was good to be able to give her a hug and just hang out for a while. Three of us sorted underware and pj's at NCO yesterday afternoon. And we talked. We let her do a lot of the talking. She seems to be on the right path. That does my soul good to know. It also gave Josiah a chance to play with his friends. He has missed his friends and that has hurt my heart. It was a good afternoon, even if Josiah and I both missed another nap.

This weekend gave life some distraction and normalcy. With Josiah's catastrophy (which still has my hallway a mess), my grandparents' 60th party, and Wes doing sound Sunday, there just wasn't time to be down. I think that was good. My emotions are worn out. I continue to pray for my friends, but the drowning in tears with them just has to stop. So I will continue to be there for those in need, continue to lend an ear, continue to shed a tear or two, continue to just be a friend. What I've realized is that I just need to stop taking everyone else's grief upon myself and letting the emotion get the better of me. It's hard enough being pregnant without taking on everyone's pain.

We'll Josiah has decided that he needs to watch Cars this morning. So I'd best go be productive with my 2 hours of free time.

Josiah's tragedy

Josiah was playing in his room Saturday morning. Suddenly he started to scream. I thought he was hurt he was crying so hard. I raced up the stairs and found him safely sitting on his bed. In one hand was his snow globe, in the other a large piece of glass. Okay, not so safe. Turns out he had bumpped his dresser just right so that his globe fell and shattered on the corner of his bed. So we spent the morning tearing his bed apart and making sure every bit of glass was removed. We had to move the mattresses to the living room so they could dry. He has a captains bed with lots of storage underneath so we had to remove the items from storage, dry them, and remove more glass. We also had to prop his bed up so that it could dry underneath. His floor is still drying.

So some good came of this. It gave me a chance to go through everything under his bed. We're throwing some of it out, garage selling some of it, and just leaving some of it out. The things that didn't go back under are my dolls and their clothes (which are in the wash as I type), my little ponies, and my strawberry shortcake dolls. Now in the front more accessable compartment are clothes for Josiah when he's a bit taller, and some visiblegrace blankets. The other good thing that came out of this incident is that Josiah has gotten to sleep in his sleeping bag in his "tent" for a couple of nights. I think he's really enjoyed that. We may have trouble convincing him that he needs to sleep in his bed tonight.

What's going on now?

I don't feel quite right today. Maybe I'm coming down with something. Maybe it's just a normal pregnancy thing. Maybe it's just the emotional and physical tiredness of this past week. But my head just feels spacey and I feel overly tired.

I call dibs

Not because I've always wanted a gun. More because I was his favorite great grandchild. And he was an awsome great grandfather. I'm patient though. I can wait till dad kicks the bucket. :O)

breathing again and pregnancy brain

In case you wondered, I am breathing again. I'm doing better this evening. I don't think I've ever experienced this type of complete mood swings, ever.

This morning I had some scriptures that came to mind. They were relavent and comforting. I couldn't quote them exactly and wasn't sure where they were found. I thought I'd look them up in my concordance. But I had to get to the Dr. Now I have no clue what they were. The baby is stealing my brain cells. I'm not sure how many more I can afford to loose.

Gasping for air

I don't feel like I can breathe today. Everything that is happening, has me thinking about everything else that has ever happened. I was dealing with life crap and now I have more life crap. I don't know how much more I can take.

a rough day

Yesterday I had the opportunity to feel whatever I needed to feel. I was able to feel and proccess more than any other day thus far. I cried a lot. Last night was community group. I was fixing a salad when people began coming through the doors. The first person brought tears to my eyes and I just felt like crying all night long. It saddened me to learn just how angry and hurt everyone really is. It saddened me to realize how this is going to effect Josiah. That hurt my heart. Ashby gave me a book that made me smile and cry. Of course having other life issues to deal with and being on the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy just sends my life in a whirl.

My grandparents' 60th wedding aniversary party is Saturday. I don't want to go. I don't want to wear the skirt that really, really doesn't fit anymore. I don't want to deal with the bra/shirt issue. I don't want to see my extended family right now. I don't want to talk to a million old people that I don't know. I don't want to put on a fake smile. I'm not sure I have a fake smile to offer.

This whole thing just sucks. WHY!? WHY DID YOU DO THIS!? WHY!?

21 weeks, 3 days...

I just got home from seeing my Dr. Things look good. We went over ultrasound results. Currently they don't feel there is any reason to send me in for another ultrasound. So I may not get to see our baby again for another 2o weeks. It wouldn't be a good thing if they decided that I did need to see her again before then. There doesn't seem to be a reason for the pain I sometimes have. It's probably just ligament pain. She measured me for the first time, 19.5 cm. I've lost some weight. I'm not crying over it. The Dr isn't overly concerned, it's just 1.5lbs and I seem to have lots of reasons as to why I may have lost a pound over the last five weeks. Or maybe it was just over the past week.

Bedtime prayers

Last night Wes and I were praying before trying to nod off to sleep. At the end Wes prayed something profound.

"God, I am sad. Please get me new glasses, so I can see you."

Thanks Ashby

My friend rocks. She bought me a book. It's amazing. It's called My Friend is Sad. It made me cry. I think I shall read it every day for the rest of my life. Thank you, Ashby. I love you.

I love him

Wes is staying home today. It is a relief to know that I can feel whatever I need to, whenever I need to, for a whole day. I have things I need to do this morning. But I am going to paint today. If you're free, feel free to stop by for some art therapy.

i wish...

I wish I had time. Time to grieve with friends. Time to cry with friends. Tonight is community group. The young women in our community group are hurting deeply. There will be many tears. Lord, heal our broken hearts.

The air is heavy.
Sadness falls like rain.
A salty rain,
Runs down my face.

Like a child,
I run to my Father.
And I ask, Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?

And in His embrace,
The rain,
Continues,
To fall.

My heart is calm. There is still sadness. There may still be tears yet to come. But the anger is less. The hurt is less. My heart is calm.

Today is hard. I am overcome with emotions. I have many hurting friends and it makes me so sad. I need a chance to bawl. But I am a mom. Josiah needs me to play with him today. Quality time, it's Josiah's love language. He needs to feel loved today. Today is hard.

We're just a bunch of screw ups

Fortunately, we can't do anything to screw up the meaning behind the cross. Thank you, Christ.

Please pray

Dear family,

Please pray for Ethnos Church.

For the past year, our church community has been under attack. Satan has been on a rampage. He has been doing his best to rip our community apart. He attacks at a basic level trying to distroy our families. His latest strike is a major blow. It rips at the heart of everyone at Ethnos. It angers me. It scares me. It hurts me. It leaves my heart hollow tonight.

So pray for us. Pray for our community. Pray for unity within our community. Pray for strength in our homes. Pray that Satan's plans will be struck down. Pray for protection over us. Pray for Wes and I as we host a torn community group in our home. Pray that what Satan is trying to use to rip our church apart will only make us stronger and help us to more fully lean on Christ.

Thanks. I love you all,

Angie

a better day

Today is going to be a better day. It's going to be less hormonally driven. Josiah and I are going to run a couple of errands. Then my quarterly creative memories order should be arriving early this afternoon. It's always fun to sort through the boxes when they arrive. I deal out each person's part of the order, and write them up a reciept. Then I'll send off an email to let them know their stuff is here. They'll be excited because it wasn't supposed to be here till the 6th. I got a few goodies too, a pink album, a baby girl album kit, the new girlie stickers... Then Dave can have his part of the order, more packing boxes! Today just feels better.

So I'm 20 weeks, which means that this baby has been growing for the last 18 weeks (you're not really pregnant the first 2 weeks). Which means she isn't very big at all, about 10 inches long and about 10 ounces in weight. But just like I felt her move way earlier than they say you can, Wes can now feel her kick. Last night we were laying in bed talking and she just started kicking up a storm. She's got power behind those kicks. I think we're going to have a wild one on our hands. She is something else. She is a special little girl. I think she's going to be amazing!